godnix (greyfeld) wrote,

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that feeling of impending doom...

... is, objectively speaking, a sign of depression. Looked at another way, it could be a sign of impending doom.

Either way, I don't like it. Makes me unproductive, which in its turn causes me to feel a sense of impending doom... feedback loop!

Actually, I've not been all that unproductive this last couple of days.... just FEEL that way. Ugh.

In my younger years, I had an easy approach to emotional difficulties: ignore them. My shrink (yes, I had a shrink when I was nineteen) told me I was "out of touch with my feelings." Given that my feelings, such as they were in those days, oscillated between suffocating panic and blind rage, it seemed to me that it was actually not bad as coping mechanisms go. Kept me, on alternate days, from suicide and murder.

In the years since, I've been blessed in that a more nuanced range of emotions, including some pleasant ones, has become available to me. But once in a while, for no particular reason I know of (or so I hope), the old familiars come screaming back at me.

The more mystical side of my nature presumes that if that happens, it's got to do with someone, nearby, being in an overflow of such pain and madness that it just spilled over into the ether, as it were, and I caught some of it because it was out there. This is a somewhat comforting thought, in that it makes me feel useful and thus productive. I've seen instances where it's actually turned out to be the case. Subsequently it gave me the ability to go beyond bland platitudes in helping see somebody through their own crisis.

In the present instance... we'll see. Life remains fascinating, at least.

Tags: journal

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